Standing on the Edge

OK, so I’m going to try and be positive when writing this blog.  Here is what is going on, this is going to be me unscripted:  I am shaking right now in heartache, it took all I had to recover out of bed this afternoon, I finally left my apartment at 11 pm and now I’m back, writing this and listening to U2, not wanting to face tomorrow.  I hate this feeling of being paralyzed and not snapping out of this.  I’ve been through many break ups but this one really kicked me in the nuts!  I have never felt this broken and it was my fault, I did this to myself.  I am the cause of this feeling….I read something yesterday, it said “A heartache is like a broken rib, everything seems fine from the outside but inside every breath hurts.”  Wow, that’s me!!!  I have pushed away everyone who has ever loved me and I hate myself for it!

I have to change, I have to, I can’t live like this one more day.  I need redemption!!!  I want to be a better person so bad, I want salvation so much, “just say the word and I shall be healed.”  I just want to tap my heels!  I remember one of my favorite movie quotes is from Vanilla Sky, when Penelope Cruz’s character says “with every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.”  I wish it was that simple.

I will rise above this somehow and be stronger and better from this.  I want to make right to everyone I hurt or at least the ones I can apologize to.  In the meantime, I will try to be funny in Tulsa in a couple of weeks, I wish it was sooner.

Take care -

Danny Keaton   www.dannykeatoncomedy.com 

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Brought to you by Comedy Guys Defensive Driving

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Online courses or classroom courses for traffic safety courses in Dallas, Carrollton, Fort Worth, Arlington

Carrollton – Marshall’s BBQ – Rosemead Pkwy @ Josey Ln. 

Dallas – Sherlock’s Pub – N.E. corner of 75 Central @ Park Ln.

www.DannyKeatonComedy.com

Jesus' Birthday Party is Over

There is nothing more depressing than a wet, cold, around 51 degrees, late December night in the Lakewood area of East Dallas…and there are no Christmas lights or decorations around because they year is about to end.

You’re partying at 3 am on your balcony, alone. 

No one else but you and your demons. 

I am thankful

When I was 19 I thought I knew it all, what 19 year old doesn’t?  Then when I turned 35, I realized I don’t know everything but I know a helluva lot more than I did when I was 19.  Now that I’m 42 I’ve had another epiphany, I’m dumb as shit because of my cynicism!  Because of my demeaning attitude towards people who are not like me, I’ve become blind to the goodness all around me.  For example:

That cable box is what I call Pandora’s Box into the world of Government and “Establishment/Fascist” controlled media.

One night I was house sitting for my girlfriend and I was watching cable TV, which was especially nice since I didn’t have cable TV.    I was watching Cops, my all-time favorite show, I’m not kidding.  I like to see people other than myself getting arrested.  All a sudden, just as the black guy on TV was about to get Tasered by the big bad policeman, the cable signal got lost.  So in frustration I reboot the cable box system and in-conveniently had to wait 30 seconds so I could be reconnected to my façade of the world.  Then all of a sudden the screen goes from black to an inspirational message that displayed the words: “rethink possible” and at the bottom of the screen the letters AT and T.  A message from the gods of corporate America, I first thought with my usual sense of cynicism.  But then, I thought about it….”Rethink Possible”…hum…that is actually a really cool message.  Sometimes you have to reboot your life when bad things happen, when you lose your signal, just reboot and rethink…possible.  One of my favorite quotes is from a woman who was above all else a brilliant philosopher, Marylyn Monroe.  She once said, “…Bad things fall apart so better things can come together.”  That message from corporate America made me realize all the things in my life I am thankful for.  I am most of all thankful for my family and the people I love and who love me back.  I am thankful for everyone whom I am privileged and honored to share my art with.  I am thankful for writers, free press reporters and artists who sometimes sacrifice their own lives for their art.  I am thankful to Corporations and individuals who donate their time and money to those in need…and I am thankful for all the messages that are all around us, sometimes you just have to look.

I wish you and your family a safe and Happy Thanksgiving!

Danny Keaton – Standup Comedian

www.DannyKeatonComedy.com

Sponsored by www.ComedyGuys.com if you have a traffic ticket in Texas you need to get rid of, go to #ComedyGuysDefensiveDriving

  

Writer's Block

http://youtu.be/y0Q4JbeAMQo

 

I can't write and I have writer's block, the worse thing that can happen to a comedian.  It's like not being able to get it up before sex!  I can come up with ideas but the funny just isn't happening.  Oh how I wish I could open the third eye.  My next blog will have some substance worth reading, I promise.

My Spirit Had Been Soiled

Can a place hold magic or at least something that cannot be explained?  Can traveling over an area marked with boundaries from our own limitations transcend us into a higher level of awareness in self existence?  Can we feel a connection to a land that only our spirit can recognize? 

Everyone who knows me really well knows that I have a spiritual connection with the Southwest, especially New Mexico.  It’s rugged desert landscape that is unchanged since the days of the Wild West, Native American culture, the adobe buildings, the Santa Fe cuisine, the art; I could go on and on.

 I was traveling through eastern New Mexico and I stopped off at a truck stop along I-40.  Inside the gift shop I saw a sign that said “Indian blankets $25.”  I love Native American art, so I bought one.  When I got back home to Dallas, I proudly displayed the Indian blanket over my futon.  One night as I was lying on the floor, listening to my psycho girlfriend yelling at me over the phone about something I don’t even remember because I wasn’t listening.   I happen to notice the tag on the inside of my “Indian” blanket that said “MADE IN INDIA.”  India!?...India!?

I was deceived, my magic had been soiled!  My spiritual New Mexico had been tainted!  I was pissed!!  I don’t remember the name of that truck stop but next time I travel through, I’m taking a Sharpie and writing “Made in India” on that sign! 

 

www.DannyKeatonComedy.com

#ComedyGuys    

Why I hate "some" people in Dallas

Why I hate “some” people in Dallas.

First of all I have compassion for other people’s feelings, but…when I look around the great city of Dallas, Texas, the city I call home, I can’t help but get really pissed off.

Here is the type of people I want to kick in the face:

The hipster at White Rock Coffee who is too hip to be sitting at Starbucks, I’m sure you’ve seen him before.  The guy with a pair of Buddy Holly glasses above a grimy beard, sporting a fedora and a flannel shirt from Urban Outfitters, simultaneously working on a tablet and IPhone in an orchestrated display of douche bagginess.

The “I’m entitled to everything” trophy wife from University Park in her Mercedes SUV who takes tennis lessons from a young Hispanic man, because she loves his company. 

The Uptown $50,000 millionaires, sitting on the patio cafes on McKinney Ave, trying to be something they’re not.  The gang banger wannabes at the DART train stations with their pants below their ass, showing the world where their brains really are.

 And my favorite… (Drum roll)….the asshole who cuts me off on 635 without using a signal!

And that is why I hate “some” of the people in Dallas.

 

Love Always-

Danny Keaton – Standup Comedian

www.DannyKeatonComedy.com

Sponsored by www.ComedyGuys.com if you have a traffic ticket in Texas you need to get rid of, go to #ComedyGuysDefensiveDriving

 

I will be posting weekly blog for ComedyGuys.com.  I would love your feed back on these blogs and any nice comments would be welcomed too.

Danny Keaton
www.DannyKeatonComedy.com

What ever happened to "Customer Service?"

Remember when, back in the day, if you had a problem with a service you could call a one-eight hundred number, "toll-free," no long distance charges and an actual person would answer and say "This is Judy, how may I help you?"

Now in the 21st century, the age of rapid communication and technology, if you call a customer service number you get the automated customer service recording! After you have wasted 5 minutes of going through 8 different prompts, even pressing zero to get a "customer service representative" only to be scolded by the recorded voice saying "that's not a valid entry!"...if you do get a human being on the line, its someone you can NOT understand or they can not understand you!

Before I do business with any company, insurance, cable, cell phone, etc, I'm going to call their customer service number, if a computer answers then I am hanging up and taking my business to a company who cares about their customers and uses actual human beings.

Danny Keaton
www.DannyKeaton.com
www.facebook.com/dannykeatoncomedy

The Dallas Cowboys ruined my Monday night!

I taught a defensive driving class in Fort Worth, then rushed home to watch the rest of the Cowboys vs. Giants, Monday night football game. OMG!!!! And I don't ever use that Hannah Montana reference!!! (I have two teenaged daughters and that's how I know that, I'm not a perv.)

Anyway, the Cowboys....well, you saw the game! I was bummed for the rest of the night, not even Jack Daniels could make the pain go away, like it did after my first marriage. Tony Romo maybe out for the season, is the season over for the 'boys, could Wade Phillips make a good Santa Claus??? All this is too complex for even the magic eight ball to answer! Oh well, GO RANGERS!!

A day in the life...of distorted reality

Today I taught a defensive driving class in Fort Worth, 14 students, they were amazing! I didn't sexual abuse any of them, physically anyway. I'm headed over to Daun's house, maybe watch a movie and smoke some weed! Peace out!

A day at White Rock Lake

Today me and my girlfriend Daun, walked around White Rock Lake in Dallas. It was 11 miles around the lake. Originally we were only going to walk to Garland Road from the parking lot of where we started but decided to go all the way around once we got to Garland Road. WTF!!!??? I feel like I've been gang raped by a pack of gorillas! I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to walk around the lake, boy was I wrong!

To Be Green Or Not To Be Green...That Is The ...I Forgot...

A Bill is being introduced, AB 2254 to the California Legislators in November, 2010 to legalize, tax and regulate marijuana. 57 percent of the voters who were polled are in favor to legalize it.
Here’s what I think, I think Arnold Schwarzenegger and certain California Lawmakers are on a “mission from God”; It will become law. Marijuana, weed, grass, Mary Jane, Buddha, wacky tobaccy…will be legal in California; THE FIRST SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
All the major potheads will want to move to Cali, bringing with them all their sin. Once they cross the state line with their earth conscious automobiles or Greyhound buses into the Golden State, the land of milk and honey…and lots of munchies; THE SECOND SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
Disneyland will have all kinds of magic! Mickey Mouse will have bloodshot eyes! Peter Pan will be smoking a bowl with Tinkerbell, thus; THE THIRD SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
Jobs and billions in tax revenue will be created. Crime will be reduced and it will cut funding to the drug cartels, not to mention it will reduce police corruption; THE FOURTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
The hippies will want to have a rock concert “love festival” somewhere in the Bay Area, with satanic rock-n-roll bands and gangsta rappers. They’ll talk about loving one another, peace…and the dawning of the “Age of Aquarius”; THE FIFTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN, because some stoner tried to make a bong out of it.
Now that all the “bad people” will be living in California, the wretched will be in one place; THE SIXTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
God will start his wrath. With a vengeance, he will take his mighty arm and slam it on to the west corner of the continent causing a catastrophic earthquake, dumping California into the Pacific Ocean; THE SEVENTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN. God’s cleansing will be complete.
OK maybe that’s not going to happen but if it did, holy s#!%, I would be asked to go on Montel. Now, I’m not anti-alcohol or drugs for that matter, do what you do, right? Just don’t get behind the wheel and make that choice or argument that “even if I hit something, it’s only gonna be at 6 miles per hour.”
Don’t smoke or drink and drive, there are too many options, designated driver, taking keys away from a stoner (that’s always a fun time-so take up the keys before they start breaking out the Doritos), spend the night at wherever you are partying, call a cab, call for a ride. Even AAA has a program for safe rides and Narcotics Anonymous too, I think or so I’ve heard. Here’s a suggestion; smoke out at home, alone watching Karate Kid or Half Baked or around a drum circle Over 17,000 people are killed in DUI related crashes every year in the U.S.
PLEASE DON’T CONTRIBUTE! Have a good time but be sensible!
Write me with your comments and suggestions; I would love to hear them. Until then…
Take care and be safe-Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.orgwww.myspace.com/comicdemexican

Children of the Sun

I think when we stop hating other human beings because of race, sexual orientation and ideology/religion, we will be ready. When we stop following the false idol of currency, killing each other and ourselves, we will be ready! When we stop destroying our planet, the home that was giving to us and all living beings, WE WILL BE READY!! As spiritual living beings we will have evolved to be ready for certain answers to life’s questions that have plagued philosophers, theologians, scientists, artists and stoners since the beginning of time or at least since the 60’s.

Like, “What is the meaning of life?”
“Why do we exist, rather than not exist?”
“Why hasn’t Van Halen put out any new music lately?”

Last week NASA unveiled new pictures of the Sun. The images showed God at work, converting hydrogen to helium through nuclear fusion, providing energy for life for all living things on our planet. Not to mention providing in part the gravity (Hands of God) that holds us in place. Now this almost sounds silly but since I have to relate this to driving, have you ever thought about the effects the Sun has on our driving? Yea OK, so use your sun visor, make sure it’s pointed away from your head (Ouch!) and buy some “cheap sunglasses”, come to think of it, ZZ top hasn’t done anything either! Make sure your sunglasses have 100% UVA and UVB radiation protection and preferably have Polycarbonate lenses. Sunglasses experts (and yea there are actually guys who are experts at this) will say the most expensive brands aren’t necessary the best glasses, so shop around.

Pictures of the Sun like the ones NASA just released, images of newborn stars in the Eagle nebula from the Hubble telescope (1995) and the wig on Donald Trump’s head have always intrigued me. It has also made me realize that we are building better cameras to get a better look at God. Being a fan of Astronomy is getting me closer to the awaking that all living things are connected, past present and future. In what way, one might ask? We are living beings sharing this planet. “All we are is dust in the wind”, OK that’s the last classic rock reference I’m going to make! I said it before, one of my favorite quotes is from Gandhi, “Be the change you want to see it the world.” And Whitesnake said, “Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.” Sorry, I couldn’t help it.

I would like to dedicate this week’s blog to artist, past, present and future around the world who are persecuted for their art and expression. There are too many to name but here are just a few:

Yuri Samodurov and Andrei Yerofeer – director and curator, Sakharov Museum in Moscow
Max Bechmann – German artist
Mizgin – Kurdish musician
Kurt Westergaard – Danish artistArtists in the Tongzhou district in Beijing

Join me again next week and keep sending in your comments and e-mails. Until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton

BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican